Do We Have Enough Sex?

As a couples therapist, I am frequently asked by my clients whether or not they have sex enough. The answer to this question is unfortunately far from simple. Before I get into answering this question, let’s first recognize the bravery it takes to ask even your most trusted confidant (or even someone legally bound by confidentiality such as myself) such a question. By taking the first step to ask the question, you are already well on your way to feeling more satisfied in your sexual relationships and unburdening yourself of societal expectations around sex.

To answer the question, let’s turn back time a bit. Wondering if you are normal begins for most people around age four (Butler, 1998). This is important to note because the question “Am I having enough sex?” is asking, at its core, “Am I like everyone else?” Considering social comparison taking root at age four, it is very normal of you to be asking the question at all! To add to this phenomenon of social comparison, you can likely recall becoming more self conscious and worried about the opinions of others during late elementary and early middle school. This makes sense because social comparison grows over time and intensifies specifically during adolescence. In fact, social comparison intensifies so much in the early teenage years that it can alter decision making with an even higher impact on those already diagnosed with depression (Hu et al., 2021). It is no mystery that during the exact time that the body is setting out to reach sexual maturity, worrying about what is “normal” sky rockets (and even changes decisions one would make). 

At this point you are probably thinking, “Alright, good information to have, sure. But what does this have to do with whether I am having enough sex or not?” Ultimately, this question is asking, “Am I normal” when I propose we should instead be asking ourselves, “Am I fulfilled/satisfied?” Most research states, based on self report measures which are not the most reliable due to societal pressure to put down acceptable responses, that sex around once per week is average for couples in long term relationships that live together. In my practice, I like to explore potential barriers to sex, of which there are plenty. To name a few: work, exercise, cooking, hobbies, children, sleep, basic hygiene needs, phase of hormone cycle, and broader self image. All of these factors can and do have serious impacts on sex drive, desire, and eroticism. These points are to say that having sex fewer or greater times than once per week does not mean your relationship is necessarily better or worse. Averages are guides to tell us if we are in the same ballpark as everyone else but it does not describe how everyone else got there and what is or is not happening in their lives. Through individual and couples therapy, building a satisfying sex life is possible and a wonderful goal to work toward! If you are wanting help in this arena of life, wait no longer! A therapist in the area will be able to help you get to a place in your relationship that you find sexually fulfilling. 

References:

Butler R. Age trends in the use of social and temporal comparison for self-evaluation: examination of a novel developmental hypothesis. Child Dev. 1998 Aug;69(4):1054-73. PMID: 9768486.

Hu, Y., Zhou, M., Shao, Y. et al. The effects of social comparison and depressive mood on adolescent social decision-making. BMC Psychiatry 21, 3 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02928-y